That I love him is as firmly determined as that he loves me. ~Sabina Spielrein
“That I love him is as firmly determined as that he loves me.
He is for me a father and I am a mother for him, or, more precisely, the woman who has acted as the first substitute for the mother (his mother came down with hysteria when he was two years old); and he became so attached to the woman [Helen Preiswerk] that when she was absent he saw her in hallucinations, etc, etc.
Why he fell in love with his wife?
Let us say, his wife is “not completely” satisfactory, and now he has fallen in love with me, a hysteric; and I fell in love with a psychopath, and is it necessary to explain why?
I have never seen my father as normal.
His insane striving “to know himself” is best expressed in Jung for whom his scientific activity is more important than anything in this world
An uneven dynamic character coupled with a highly developed sensibility, a need to suffer and to be compassionate to the extreme.
You can do to him and get from him anything you want with love and tenderness.
Twice in a row he became so emotional in my presence that tears just rolled down his face!
Then he starts reproaching himself endlessly for his feelings, for example, that I am something sacred for him, that he is ready to beg for forgiveness, etc.
Remember how dear daddy was apologizing to you exactly in the same manner!
It is unpleasant for me to quote all those self-reproaches he addressed to himself, because we are both either equally guilty or not guilty.
This conversation took place almost two weeks ago and we both felt literally tormented, unable to utter a word, etc.
We stood still in the most tender poetry.
Will I ever in my life forgive him for what he had concocted with me, will he ever forgive me for what I have done to him!
The difference is that I know that for him scientific activity is above all else in life and that he will be able to bear everything for the sake of science.
The question is only how my intellect is going to relate to this whole story and the trouble is that the intellect does not know how to relate.
The question for me is whether to surrender with all my being to this violent vortex of life and to be happy while the sun is shining, or, when the gloom descends, to let the feeling become transferred to a child and science, i.e., the scientific activity that I love so much?
It is very possible that I will fall in love again and will have success, i.e., I will find myself a husband. — But don’t you forget that this is still very far in the future and therefore, do not worry.
So far we have remained at the level of poetry that is not dangerous, and we shall remain at that level, perhaps until the time I will become a doctor, unless circumstances will change.
I am only writing to you now because I cannot feel happy without a other’s blessing, that is, without you approving my actions and that you should really delight as long as I am well.” ~Sabina Spielrein, The real story of Sabina Spielrein: or fantasies versus facts of a life, Page 8
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